Wasted Days and Wasted Nights

Yes. Yours truly has been guilty of simply wasting hours at a time--- days, even. Gone are the days when I crushed so much fun/work/catch-up into my life that I often felt like that candle in the poem,  "burning on both ends... it did not last the night!  But oh my Dears! It made a lovely light."

I slid from extra curricular activities with teaching into care giving for my mother.  And then my son and I just took care of each other because it was not apparent who was the most in need... and then... my world stopped about a year ago. 

So I just started several projects like creating a dining room, resurfacing the floors, and the ever-presernt clutter wars I wonder if I'll ever win. Since I cannot sleep,  I really have hours and hours to fill, and I do not like living alone! Oh well... I don't like much these days. Isn't that just a pity? That's the only way I can do life... in a kind of denial and self pity that would have shocked the me I grew up to be. 

I think I dedicated my 2023 to "restore." But we all know how that year ended in total destruction. 2024 has never deserved a word. I am still in that altered veil or fugue of tears and inner screams (Sometimes outer screams since I live alone on the prairie!) I think I have chosen a word for 2025 already. Rather it has chosen me... I will be making sure and posting it in later December. 

But I really did just write a blog post about doing nothing, didn't I? I have a sweet girl who dusts and washes my floors twice a month. She sometimes throws in a load of clothes, and she helped (did most of the work) decorate for Autumn. She usually offers to fix me a pot pie from my freezer or go through the Drive-thru for a sandwich. I don't mind paying her to do that  because having her clean keeps things rather cozy and up-beat. I imagine my grandmothers and Mama would be "tsk- tsking" me,  but they, none of them, ever had to live all by themselves as the last withered bloom on this branch of the family tree! So I will hire someone as long as I can find some sweet soul to help. 

Thank you if you still can bear to read my blog! I have read blogs before that suddenly took a turn toward heartbreak. They veered into that world I wanted to deny existence, even though my heart broke for the women who wrote them. So I know you may feel the same. I do understand. This is honestly the best I can do! 

I made chili for the freezer and for the week last weekend! I  think I might do a quiche casserole tomorrow. Leftovers are mammoth when I cook for one!  But I really get tired of deli chicken 'n cheese or  pot pies! Lol... 

I did a little photoshop type of altering to combine my mom into this photo of our family many years ago on a day trip to a Madison (MO) covered bridge. I wanted to use such a picture  on Facebook, and I couldn't find one of us all... Mama was in a brighter sunshine, and the difference is obvious, but I did accomplish my mission anyway... my son was a whiz at this type of task... 

Have a loving November. See you soon!