In short, I'm in the Midwest, so we're having a time of it. I'm not sure it's actually worse or as bad as other regions. Tornadoes and buckets of snow? Not good. Many of you know I've never felt we should complain about the weather... I've always thought that God created it...However, I'm just so plain tired from grief and no sleep that you may hear some complaining.
My power was out 29 hours but so far that happened during weather in the 20s and 30s... not the 27 below zero wind chills of tonight and the next two weeks. I'd bought two little Mr. BUDDY propane heaters. There was warmth from them and a magical fleece blanket given to me for Christmas by two dear friends (and blog readers, too!) But it was cold and dark. Two nights. Long ones!
I have two neighbors who have just appeared and risen to the call of helping me. They're a lovely young couple, and they've just been wonderful.
I can't say enough about my friends and my cousins. Everyone has been kind and wonderful. But to be honest, I usually cry 20 or more hours a day. My voice has gone and I can't imagine ever feeling any different. I hope I am still kind. . But sometimes I'm not sure
I'm really sorry to be negative in my blog. I know my son wouldn't want the attention. I do have the Bible to read and honor. But as I've said a few times, it's my blog and I can write what I feel I must.
The additional sadness that has invaded our community of friends is just that which is common to people as they age, I guess. But one of my best friends also lost her son right before Christmas. And two other friends are being led down the path of dementia. That's a sad and ugly disease. Since I'm the only person I know with not one single child, sibling, spouse, grandchild, or niece/ nephew... it just wrenches me... all the optimism I've fought to embrace for 70 years (with lots of success through some really rough patches) seems totally pointless. I've never lived alone, and I hate it. I know I would feel like complaining if I were being hanged with a new rope.
So dear blog friends, please know I don't intend to make this ranting and raving a habit.
No doubt I'll be back soon with the funny story about almost getting trapped in my landing by the quilt ladder, with a recipe for something other than the ones I've made recently that perhaps doesn't feed the 5,000 and have to be thrown away or frozen before I get so sick of it I could light it on fire in the middle of the kitchen floor...
Apologies for this blog. I am just so sad.
7 comments:
No need to apologize for letting out your grief here. Better to do that here as needed, than to bottle it all up until it explodes uncontrollably.
Thank you! That's a good point!
Oh, Gayla! What a lifetime you've crammed into this one post, and what emotions and memories it kindles! Whole days and years of weeping and laughter seem a fleeting wind, since those exhausting days of 2020, when we had to bid the fondest Farewell of my life.
To see that you're in tears 20 hours a day is one of the most heart-rending things I've ever read, and I so want to hug you or cry with you---and do---for this totally impossible possible that was visited upon you so suddenly.
And in the kinship of grief and memories and the absurd moments and thoughts that flit past amidst the concentration of that sharp pang that only recedes, I found myself giggling at that last moment, with a vision of you and one of your red le Creuset on the kitchen linoleum, trying to ignite a week-old soup with a reluctant, stubborn clicker and sheer will. Tears and giggles are so kin, and both cleansing, somehow.
I send you warmth and faraway love and utter empathy this iron-cold Monday, this Holiday and day of remembrance, and would welcome any spare outbursts or breakdowns or pure, irrational anger that you need to relieve---my e-mail is
ganjin042@gmail.com That's a zero in there. The most horrid words you can apply, ALL CAPS FOR SHOUTS and the gentlest, most cherished moment both welcomed with an open heart and loving empathy. Stay warm and well, and remember how far the love for you reaches from all your online friends. jan
I can't imagine your grief. Please don't feel you can't share your sadness and loss with us. Expressing it finds you a community. I am angry for you - this should have never happened. And I am sad for you - this should never have happened. I admire that you can get up, that you can fix meals for yourself, that you are able to so wonderfully type your feelings. I can't believe you were without power in the dark for two days, too! Sending hugs and love and compassion to you this January. I think of you often.
Gayla, I have recently found your blog. I just love your writings and your spirit. It’s ok to share your grief with us it’s very healing ❤️🩹
Winter can be a bit depressing, gloomy whatever we want to call it. That is why I think that spring is my favorite month
a time of newness and fresh outlooks. Hang in there doing the best you can
sending warm wishes your way Sharon k from nj
Day by day, Gayla. I think that is all any of us can do. Feeling helpless and alone is a terrible thing. I know you think you don't have family but you have a 'blogging family' that loves you and cares about you. We are only a typed word away. xo Diana
Write that book. xoxo
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