Friday, July 11, 2014

The Rant

Here it comes. . . Self analysis, my specialty. Yesterday my dear friend dug up this picture and posted it onThrow Back Thursday on Facebook. "Isn't she beautiful?" The caption read.

Taken in about 1979 or 80, the picture captured the natural me... No makeup, curly thick hair, bright eyes... My usual... I've never considered myself beautiful... And I still don't... But I did look "pretty good!" And then, while I was mentally mourning my loss of "beauty," I read the several posts and comments. My friends were saying things like .....how beautiful I was/am inside and out... One lady said I looked like an angel. I'm not putting this out here to brag. Far from it. I knew I needed to comment and acknowledge... So I commented, "I am speechless. Lol"

And I was. The shocking truth is that I, of course, lost my youthful loveliness... But evidently they didn't know I lost a great deal, if not all, my inner beauty, too. I was so happy, kind-hearted, innocent, and optimistic. And while I'm being a bit too honest, I'll tell you all something. I miss that pretty girl when I look in the mirror. I have "let myself go" far too much... A quick photo now reveals a tired, fat, dour, rather beat-up woman I don't even know.... And certainly don't like many days.

But that being said, I miss the inside beauty more. I hadn't really realizedthat she'd gone missing, that inner lovely.... But oh, my, yes she did. I have that dramatic, poet soul kind of emotion. I am known for my tender heart. But since I've set out today to expose myself, I will just tell you this. I've worked really hard to quell the love. I don't like to be sad, to cry, to feel devastated. And given my true younger nature, I just did. When sorrows came, they did me in... My heart bled for the people I loved, and I think I loved everybody.

Ten years later.. In 1990, I couldn't see much difference. My mom chose this picture for my birthdat greeting on Facebook. I loved this dress! Enter reality. I went through two divorces. I began a struggle with Lupus and arthritis that currently snarls and snags at my joy. Dear friends died. They lost their parents. Some, their children. Girls betrayed my son, as I see things, and he spiraled in his own bout with living life as a sensitive soul in a harsh world. I intentionally gave up my beloved cocoon of a home to move in with Mom after my dad died. Oh, you bet I gained weight. I chose to pretend to myself I didn't feel so much. I set up some walls. I ostracized all sad movies and most music. I immersed myself in Bible Studies, herbs, positivism... And a bit of denial.

I crossed a few bridges and burned a good many right after. I didn't look back until yesterday... To discover no trail, no crumbs... Like some weird, "Where are They Now?" Episode. To my utter shock and amazement, most all my friends and family still love me. Sometimes Mom tells me I've changed. And she doesn't mean that was a good thing! But ... Pretending to be tough. It's a killer. Taking its toll, my "who cares? whatever. it is what it is. that's the way it goes. we'll live or we won't." Attitude slowly intercepted this girl... Simultaneously taking her beauty, her loveliness... Inside and out. My son and my mother see me at my ever most worst... I love them with all my heart. I think I'm going to have to come clean... "I care. This can't be happening. Maybe something can be done. We have to try."

So here I am... A selfie on my sixtieth! SIXTIETH, birthday last week. Clock, you ticking villain! I'm only comfortable with sharing about half the picture! And even though I've certainly spilled my inner heart out in this blog, I'm only comfortable sharing about a tenth of all my inner angst... Plus, who would need to read all that?

I have questions how to live, function... Put one foot ahead of the other. Soooo much heartache, illness, war, ugliness... Cancer, accidents. Denial got me nowhere. Faith in God? That he is there? yes. That he comforts? Most likely. That he changes circumstances? Well... If he chooses, I suppose.

I will leave this at that. Seeing that long-ago picture and reading those kind words certainly shook me up a little. I am in the process of owning my gentle, Type 2 spirit, accepting my age, and just going about loving honestly and fiercely all the wonderful and scary circumstances of this one, magical life God has given. Silly pretend shields... Worthless. Dumbo's feather? ...

Most of you certainly knew and accepted all this a long time ago. I'm a slow learner, and, oh, Lordy...I think too much. So the years have been both kind and cold... Introspection is a curse... But it's on my mind... Lucky you.

 

And I thought I'd made it without a Sixtieth Birthday Rant! If you see this woman, she is desperately wanted in at least five states!

Photos in this blog are either mine...or pinched from Facebook... If something is yours, please contact me and I'll remove it or give you credit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 comments:

Miss Merry said...

Wonderful post!!! I think we all look back and long for those innocent times, before we all grew up and had to face life. I am always shocked when I see a recent picture of myself! Yikes! We all have to be brave :) - Happy Birthday!!!! And you are so blessed to have such wonderful friends.

Tessa~ Here there be musing said...

oh my dear...

may this introspection lead to finding peace. and to finding the personal mind set, which will give you peace.

introspection is hard. so many people never, ever even let themselves consider, introspection. so you are brave, to be among the few, who tackle it.

gentle hugs,
many, many, many gentle hugs,
tessa~

Tessa~ Here there be musing said...

my view only... of course... but my view is...

that the full thunder moon of july 12th, is exerting its pull... on the world of "pretty blog land."

the last post i just read... this post of yours... i see a trend... a sorrow... it almost feels palpable...

my hope is that, this tide will pass... without washing too much pain, over too many people. i hope that all of us, will sort of lay back and let the tide carry us... like the beautiful gentle waves of your background.... let it carry us through any darkness generated... let us find our own wisdom, while flowing with the gentle tide.....

sorry for babbling on. i do that. you know i do that.

just... more gentle hugs... love yourself... forgive yourself... embrace yourself... now! now! now!

none of us turned out, the way we started... none of us... some "went north" some went "south"...
as it were.

but let all of us, love the self we are today. totally love her. with no judgement. but with determination to love her so much, that we take gentle care of her, for the rest of our lives...

tessa~

CIELO said...

Oh but you're beautiful... beautiful in every way... lovely then and lovely now... and I love that smile! I knew the 'outside' you it had to match the beautiful 'inside' you. How happy these photos make me feel! They make me believe that somehow we've known each other for ever... since our younger happy years of innocence and freedom... may you be bless sweet lovely Gayla...

Cielo

Helen said...

This, my dear .. is a must read for every woman of a certain age. You have shared what so many of us have felt, experienced, lived. Tessa is right, love yourself and forgive yourself and move into the light. You have a lot of living to do! We care.

CIELO said...

Oh oh and I meant to say: A happy belated Happy Birthday to you! Here is some fairy dust to guide you to bigger dreams... love is louder than the pressure to be perfect

Cielo

Heaven's Walk said...

Oh Gayla....I feel the bittersweetness in your heart. As I read over the heartfelt words you so graciously and openingly shared, I just wanted to give you a big hug. Yes, as the years tromp on, they do steal things from us. But if we cling to the love and grace and faithfulness of God, those years are just a drop in the bucket of life. Hug the ones you love and hold them close, and continue to be the beautiful friend you are to so many of us out here in Blogland. You are loved, sweetie. ♥

xoxo laurie

bj said...

Happiest Belated Birthday, dear heart.
You are so beautiful, Gayla.
I love coming to visit...and I still think you should write a book. You are sooo good with words.
xoxo