Here it comes. . . Self analysis, my specialty. Yesterday my dear friend dug up this picture and posted it onThrow Back Thursday on Facebook. "Isn't she beautiful?" The caption read.
Taken in about 1979 or 80, the picture captured the natural me... No makeup, curly thick hair, bright eyes... My usual... I've never considered myself beautiful... And I still don't... But I did look "pretty good!" And then, while I was mentally mourning my loss of "beauty," I read the several posts and comments. My friends were saying things like .....how beautiful I was/am inside and out... One lady said I looked like an angel. I'm not putting this out here to brag. Far from it. I knew I needed to comment and acknowledge... So I commented, "I am speechless. Lol"
And I was. The shocking truth is that I, of course, lost my youthful loveliness... But evidently they didn't know I lost a great deal, if not all, my inner beauty, too. I was so happy, kind-hearted, innocent, and optimistic. And while I'm being a bit too honest, I'll tell you all something. I miss that pretty girl when I look in the mirror. I have "let myself go" far too much... A quick photo now reveals a tired, fat, dour, rather beat-up woman I don't even know.... And certainly don't like many days.
But that being said, I miss the inside beauty more. I hadn't really realizedthat she'd gone missing, that inner lovely.... But oh, my, yes she did. I have that dramatic, poet soul kind of emotion. I am known for my tender heart. But since I've set out today to expose myself, I will just tell you this. I've worked really hard to quell the love. I don't like to be sad, to cry, to feel devastated. And given my true younger nature, I just did. When sorrows came, they did me in... My heart bled for the people I loved, and I think I loved everybody.
Ten years later.. In 1990, I couldn't see much difference. My mom chose this picture for my birthdat greeting on Facebook. I loved this dress! Enter reality. I went through two divorces. I began a struggle with Lupus and arthritis that currently snarls and snags at my joy. Dear friends died. They lost their parents. Some, their children. Girls betrayed my son, as I see things, and he spiraled in his own bout with living life as a sensitive soul in a harsh world. I intentionally gave up my beloved cocoon of a home to move in with Mom after my dad died. Oh, you bet I gained weight. I chose to pretend to myself I didn't feel so much. I set up some walls. I ostracized all sad movies and most music. I immersed myself in Bible Studies, herbs, positivism... And a bit of denial.
I crossed a few bridges and burned a good many right after. I didn't look back until yesterday... To discover no trail, no crumbs... Like some weird, "Where are They Now?" Episode. To my utter shock and amazement, most all my friends and family still love me. Sometimes Mom tells me I've changed. And she doesn't mean that was a good thing! But ... Pretending to be tough. It's a killer. Taking its toll, my "who cares? whatever. it is what it is. that's the way it goes. we'll live or we won't." Attitude slowly intercepted this girl... Simultaneously taking her beauty, her loveliness... Inside and out. My son and my mother see me at my ever most worst... I love them with all my heart. I think I'm going to have to come clean... "I care. This can't be happening. Maybe something can be done. We have to try."
So here I am... A selfie on my sixtieth! SIXTIETH, birthday last week. Clock, you ticking villain! I'm only comfortable with sharing about half the picture! And even though I've certainly spilled my inner heart out in this blog, I'm only comfortable sharing about a tenth of all my inner angst... Plus, who would need to read all that?
I have questions how to live, function... Put one foot ahead of the other. Soooo much heartache, illness, war, ugliness... Cancer, accidents. Denial got me nowhere. Faith in God? That he is there? yes. That he comforts? Most likely. That he changes circumstances? Well... If he chooses, I suppose.
I will leave this at that. Seeing that long-ago picture and reading those kind words certainly shook me up a little. I am in the process of owning my gentle, Type 2 spirit, accepting my age, and just going about loving honestly and fiercely all the wonderful and scary circumstances of this one, magical life God has given. Silly pretend shields... Worthless. Dumbo's feather? ...
Most of you certainly knew and accepted all this a long time ago. I'm a slow learner, and, oh, Lordy...I think too much. So the years have been both kind and cold... Introspection is a curse... But it's on my mind... Lucky you.
And I thought I'd made it without a Sixtieth Birthday Rant! If you see this woman, she is desperately wanted in at least five states!
Photos in this blog are either mine...or pinched from Facebook... If something is yours, please contact me and I'll remove it or give you credit.