No Longer a North Star

It's 4 o'clock on a perfectly perfect August day. As I sit here  doing exactly what I do best .. (nothing), I feel like I have to articulate the exact source of loneliness that I know many people experience.  

For the first time in 70 years I suddenly realize the absence of a powerful source of intrinsic comfort. I actually believe many people go through life and never have that reassurance. Others, myself included,  were unaware. It's as if I finally stumbled on some ion or enzyme in the air that supported buoyant life but was basically undetectable...unless absent. 

Getting to the center of my rambling, (oh, please do, Gayla!),  I am keenly aware that suddenly the universe is most likely not targeting me in any way. Now, that can be a good thing in that I don't have the nagging suspicion of persecution.  When bad things happen,  I'm pretty sure I either caused it by commission or omission... 

But... for the first time ever, this only child of an only child, this very involved mama of an only child... she's on her own.  Sometimes people find a spouse to idolize them into a shining center of a universe. I did not. But for 70 years I guess I somehow became that person with security. With doting parents and grandparents such as mine, with the most perfect relationship with my big-hearted son, I knew that someone would think of me when they heard a funny joke. I was likely the person they would run to for shelter if the big bad wolf were at their door. I could be counted in their corner of any fight they might face.When a person created a masterpiece of art ...or culinary delight ... or creative genius, I was likely their first thought to seek applause or affirmation.  In short, I was probably never too many seconds away from being the center of a loved one's attention.  

And more comforting, I had someone (or several someones) walking the earth who inhabited my thoughts in the very same way. I could shower them with my hovering dreams, prayers, concern. 

So... here on one of the final beautiful August afternoons of 2025 I find myself waking up from a day of sleep (which I needed) and contemplating a quiet evening, rather a silent evening. I will likely do some phone calls... I maybe might have a visitor. I appreciate the kindness of friends. I do... 

It just hurts to realize I'm no longer a North Star to anyone... how could I never realize I ever was?

I am not wise enough to advise, but I offer a suggestion.  Get out either really or mentally and shine on your beautiful universe if you still have it! I so miss mine!