Mojo. Oh, where are you?
Time to freshen up the house tomorrow and get as ready as possible for Queen June and my 65th birthday. I lost a little this year in terms of mojo and hope and confidence. I have had some rough patches since I turned 64, and it shows in my mindset and moods and daily apathy. I miss the person I once thought I was, whether she was real or not. Does that make any sense?
I hate the very thought of a birthday without my mother (we shared the same day), although I certainly do not want to stop having birthdays. This time last year we were beginning the renovation that has really made our lives happier. Even though we have some big problems with the construction and I stupidly paid the contractor so it's just too bad, our daily lives are still better.
I am so "done" with the other house... Phone rang this morning and it was REC (Rural Electric Coop) saying someone stole our electric meter up at the other house during the night. Are you kidding me?
So. Despite the fact I will be selling my own memories and giving up a past I worked for, I guess I need to hire help and proceed there. I cannot tell you how boring I feel to have been locked into this grid of indecision and failure to process my own life. It has rubbed off on my son, I know. I bear no resemblance to the mother of iron determinism and the father who could and did turn shamble into castle. And to be frank, I barely care.
Instead, I watch YouTube art and junk journal tutorials, crochet, cross stitch, and home decor videos... pretty much all the time--- dreaming through the night of beauty I intend to create and stumping through the day behind a locked door, sleeping or doing so little, feeling like a whiny, childish victim of some lawless creep who steals, vandalizes, trespasses, and has interrupted my wanna-be Anne Frank (who had so many more reasons for bitterness but wasn't) "People are really good at heart" mentality... If I am not careful, I will be a Ty Cobb: "People are just no damn good, Stumpy." ----- Not there yet, but... my electric meter???? Come on!
I have been around those who can't get off the podium of some big loss or betrayal... I have loved them anyway, but oh, how my eyes have crossed and involuntarily looked to the sky for sweet relief from the regurgitation of some jilting or sleight, or catastrophe. I am not talking about those who have lost loved ones... but myself included, the baboons who drudge up something hideous done by a coworker, boyfriend, spouse, or used-to-be friend. How ugly that story grows, more vile with each repetition. I have too often been that impotent babbler who chronicles the latest or the same old hurtful thoughts. I often don't care, but more likely, I just cannot stop it... won't stop it, I guess I must say.
I am still here! lol... in case you wondered.
If you see the me I am looking for out wandering, or flitting, or hiding---? Send her back home, and I will appreciate her more and treat her better. Yep. I've lost it,
No photos. Cat refused to sign off because she won't appear on what she deems a negative post. ha ha...
Whimsy and Hugs!
Comments
I know you are doing the best you can and it is so hard to pull out of a funk. Something that helped me in the past is to set a written deadline. Once my fresh off the sale lot new car was totaled by a teenager with a rinky dink insurance and no matter what I did (talked to my insurance and a lawyer). I did not have "gap" insurance. Never heard of it. After I realized that I was no only losing my car, had no trade in and was going to owe more than his insurance would pay on the loan, I gave myself 3 months. I was allowed to rant, rave, bore my friends and family with the tale, yell, scream and use potty words for 3 months. And then it was over. I wrote a check I could ill afford to the bank, took out a new loan so I could get to work and just put my rage in a box. I had a deadline.
The same with settling the bigger issues with my parent's estate. I had to put a lid on it. I would pick a date, giving myself plenty of time to gripe about it, and then finish it and move on to the next crappy issue.
Settling the banks, insurance and money issues with family. I picked a date, whined about it none stop, and then did it. And told everyone involved that NO ONE was going to speak about it anymore. It was over.
Clearing out (one room at a time, I am not wonder woman). I would pick a date a few months away. Work one or two hours at a time. Merging two boxes into one, Merging three boxes into two. Sorting, crying, sorting. Eventually getting to just a few boxes I could move into the next room and start over. I finally made it into one room (a pure miracle.)
One of the hardest part was furniture. We looked like a furniture store or secondhand store. I finally made a plan (it took a few years). So hard to part with the furniture I remembered in my grandparents and parents home. Cried about it, whined about it, cried some more. Cried because no one else in the whole family wanted any of it either (and I have FIVE children!) Made up my mind and listed it all for sale. Sold it all. Added in some extra money and ordered my own matching bedroom set from the Amish. My room now has a bed, two night stands and two dressers. (no mirror LOL) It is so restful. I used to have 4 dressers, two vanities, assorted tables, a creaky bed. I couldnt' store it in the garage because I did not want to damage finishes. Now we can walk in the room and all the way around the bed.
What I am saying is you are not alone. Please feel free to whine to me anytime. It is so hard to lose the family we love and I am one who hold my memories in things. And those things tie you down and keep you from living the rest of your life. And I still have way to many things that I still need to deal with.
My advice is to try to set deadlines and summon your courage. Be strong and empty that house. Sell it. I think you are getting signs from heaven to cut the cord with the house and move on. Good luck and prayers
Thank you. I really love your ideas. Really. I feel better today and have decided to look forward to my own choices in furniture vs. my great gramma's... lol and other silly things. Setting a deadline on complaints is genius. My family and friends here thank you!
And I have to admit that I am good at preaching in the morning when I am in my new bedroom with new paint and new carpet and new (sparse) furniture and not much else. As long as the door is closed and I can't see the rest of my house LOL
Please vent to me anytime. And I still have boxes to go through. At least I have less boxes to go through . . . .
You GO GIRL!!!
I enjoyed reading a different slant on things.
Linda