Saturday, July 18, 2015

Being Wrong. Being Honest. Being Myself.

I'm told by dear Tessa (Here There be Musing, on my side bar) that our blogs are our blogs. That we can write in them as we see fit. We can decorate them for the holidays in the middle of summer. We have the right to be ourselves here, if not everywhere. I hope that is true because I have some honesty afoot in this post.

I'll start with the fact that I have been watching movies. Good, sometimes heart wrenching movies. I was wrong. I cannot boycott and avoid all sad movies because then I do not get to see some of the best films Hollywood has to offer. Somehow the pain I felt when my friends passed away so long ago, when my grandmother died, and then when my father left this earth... that pain was so excruciating that I decided to avoid all avoidable pain I could. I still do not advocate some of the rank and file sad movies that are created solely to be maudlin. However, I've been enjoying a few really good ones that bring a tear. I was wrong. To be honest, I didn't shed too many. I loved the First and Second installments of the Very Best Exotic Marigold Hotels. There was a joy amidst just a reality bit of sorrow there, and it caused me to suddenly remember the great truths that tell us we cannot have one without the other. If I isolate myself from all sadness, I do not think I'm able to enjoy the happiness. Certainly that old dead feeling I've had for years isn't either one. It shocks me to realize I have developed a certain acquired and pretentious apathy. That certainly isn't the real me.

But the reality is for certain tonight as I rented Woman in Gold. What a classic. Helen Mirren is a treasure, and the whole movie is truly good. I did cry, but I didn't crumble into mists of sadness never to return as I feared. Anyway. Life is like that. Ours so far here in America has never called us to deal with the atrocities like the Holocaust. However, we have all faced personal sadness, loss, unfairness, and fear.

So, watch that movie. It's so worth it all. There. Not a politically correct statement because if you hate it, then you will have to hunt me down and beat me senseless because I steered you wrong. Silliness.

Finally. I have purchased something I didn't ever really want to buy. It sits in the shadows tonight, a gleaming monstrosity of truth right smack in the middle of my bedroom, no my dining room where I sleep. You see, for the past twelve years I have lived most of my life from an office chair. I roll around on it, tearing up the linoleums and hauling, cleaning, cooking, taking care of mother. I didn't have to admit my handicap as much when I had my life safe in office chairs. I'd been a teacher for 37 years, so I've done my time in office chairs anyway. I just simply can't seem to get ahead of the arthritis. Not that I've truly tried except for glorified Ibuprofen. I've tried to blog about other interpretations of my life, resplendent with the parts of the whole that seemed to make me whole myself. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

Finally, I bought it. Amazon. Good old Amazon. A big old burgundy rollator walker with a seat so that I can go places that don't readily have a seat. It's not ideal. The seat is too tall. The wheels are wild and crazy. It ain't sexy. It ain't Miss Carefree run through the wildflowers. Even though I don't do sexy or run through wildflowers, my spirit did. My spirit is having trouble with this.  It's just not "ME." ... or the me I believe myself to be. But I have it. My plan is to gradually get accustomed to it so it doesn't seem so loudy and gawdy...  That happened with the cane I use...  I don't feel even remotely 61. My mind takes me places I visit in my dreams, and I avoid things I don't like. I plan to continue that method of living in my happy place. Only I do plan to watch better movies now and then. Still no children dying, no dogs or pets...  No old sad people like in The Notebook... And no dying beauties with one last love like Autumn in New York... And I still don't think I'll watch Titanic. I never have. You see, I hope I'm not giving anything away, but THE BOAT SINKS.

It's 3:30 a.m., so it's time to get some sleep. Tomorrow, Katie Scarlett, is another day in Tara. I do declare, that awful riding whip has ruined my hands when I forgot to wear my gloves.

Whimsy and Hugs!


Helen said...

Ride on, dear one ~~~ ride on!

Tessa~ Here there be musing said...

I must look that riding object up!!!! It sounds wonderful.

I have not really known the extent of your arthritis. You have kept that under wraps. Mostly. And that is your choice. But if you need this contraption, you should use it.

I remember being incapacitated by my non-working-knee, not so long ago. And rolling around on my office chair, where I could. And it was a wonderful use.

Don't think I can walk with eyes open, into sad movies, yet. Simply because I am a wimp. But if it liberating for you, good!!!!!!


Tessa~ Here there be musing said...

I told you something (we can write about what we choose, in our own blog), and you listened!!! -clapping hands- In real life, I am not used to people doing that. -grinnnnnnn-

Yes Dear! We can write what we want!!!

And... Soooooo..... When are you going to decorate your blog, for Autumn???!!!???

Yes, I am insufferable. -grin-


Miss Merry said...

Brave woman! I can't watch anything but light comedies. Have too much strife right now to deal with made up drama. Except for Perry Mason, of course. I have a daily appointment with him on the MeTV network.

Brave for breaking down and buying your new four-wheeler, too! You Go Girl! Just needs some racing stripes or flower decals or something to make it as cool as you are!