Le Sabouteur

(Photograph by Caleb Richardson, former student)

Did you ever get the feeling you were sabotaging your own progress?  Lately I have been doing so much soul searching.  I guess the idea of endless freedom is both exciting and terrifying.  I have always just had that one thing to look toward, and when it was over...  Nothing changed.  Despite the buildup, I just continued...  Which has usually served me well.  I have always marched to my own tune, but there was definitely a drummer who was happy to tell me with what rhythm to pace my habits.

Here at Mom's, it has been fine to fashion the part of my day around her after school.  But,   I can tell she doesn't expect me to simply sit with her all day....  And I can't do that anyway.  Deep cleaning, arranging furniture and keepsakes...  That is fun, but not my calling.  Not 24/7.

I have some issues to deal with my health... But what if they don't clear up?  How long does one recuperate and hope for recovery, and when do we decide to live in the now....  With all the mess, the bills, the disappointments, the soggy dreams that may not happen?

I think too many of us spend too much time waiting for this and so...  And then moving from that stepping stone to yet another future goal...or obstacle to overcome.  I think I am such a person.  I have found my truest self now standing in the far side of a river, wondering simultaneously how I got here and where is the next step.

I am frankly exhausted with any charade of joy.  We are given a cup overflowing, full measure tamped down and overfilled...  With blogland as my witness, I promise to stop the restless, martyred hopping from one thing to the next.  I think it's time for a good many of us to drink abundantly from the very best crystal, to use the fine china, and to savor any happy shadow or shaft of moonlight in each day.  While not an original, unique thought, it promises to be quite a change for me.

I will have to stop following others so much, and truthfully, I will also need to stop manipulating the situations so I often get my way without revealing it is my choice...  Herding cats, I think they call it.

Possibly it is just the dark of the moon, my 59th birthday, and fear of the unknown talking...  But whether I live long or short is not up to me...  Sadly, we cannot count on one single thing staying the same.   Laughter....  Looking around at the mess in my sphere, that is not a sad fact...  Mutability is often good....  Even great.

Goodnight, me.  Goodnight, you.   When we awaken, let's truly shake off the dreams of future perfection and live in the disorder and gentle chaos of now.