Friday, August 15, 2008

Reality vs Fiction

When I was a little girl, my parents drove me by this house and I stared lovingly at the whole thing from my window in the back seat. Sometimes I could get my mother to drive by a second time... The picture below doesn't do that area justice. It is a very low valley with crags, rocks, and evidently a winding path of stairs... It is beyond that tree row on the left of the upper picture... It was and still is my house called, "fairyland." I imagined I lived there and actually believed if I did, I could probably develop a friendship with the fairies that no doubt made it their home. It is still beautiful... It still makes me wonder.... fiction... Reality: I couldn't any more get to the bottom of that valley and back up again than fly to the top of the roller coaster roof. That house is a "look at" house, just like the dolls my aunt used to collect were "look at" dolls, rather than the good kind you play with.

While driving along, I spotted an interesting bridge, and although I knew I couldn't drive across, I thought I could get closer and see the other side. Reality: It was a convoluted hunk of metal lying on a pile of debris... No bridge to anywhere.... but I did manage to snap a shot of Queen Anne's lace. This lovely "flower" is actually a weed,they say, but I have picked many huge bouquets of it in my day. I love the look... It's better left on the stem outdoors because it lasts such a short time in a vase of water...

My mind is kind of on stun lately... maybe for the past couple of years, gradually getting worse. I told Lisa in an email that I'm functioning with most of my circuits turned off... I choose to live with my brain in the sleep mode but my daily round on screen saver.... So what you see isn't what you get... I can't remember squat. I have technology issues with my new hardware at school. The kids come Monday. I still don't love living here. My Mom isn't feeling very healthy. My son isn't all that thrilled with his situation. My cat lives elsewhere, and I never see her. . Some of my friends and relatives are stressed to their breaking points... I just feel that I've fizzled out at living and am doing a pretty rotten job of seizing the day, moment... you know.. So, what I'm asking is for you to leave your best self help routine in a comment.. What do you do when you get these feelings? If you don't get them, tell me that, too. I need to know if I'm the Lone Ranger on this one or if it's fairly common... I don't wanna wallow in self pity, but I need to get a grip... Taking time for me... doesn't work. I have no clue what to do with me when I get me.. ha ha... Hugs!


Diane Fay (littlealma) said...

Oh, Dear Gayla,

Consider yourself given a big huge (and long) hug!!! You sound like you really need one right now!!! XOX

And I also want you to know that you are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE!!!! - with feeling overwhelmed!

You are an amazing woman, and you sound like you are carrying a very heavy load right now - your mother, the passing of your father, school starting again, etc., etc., - if you didn't feel overwhelmed and or sad, you wouldn't be a caring, feeling woman! What a wonderful thing you are doing with your daily energy - you sound like you need to have your bucket filled for once!! (are you familiar with that story - I hope?)

I also often feel overwhelmed with a long list of things I am not able to do, and it is very hard not to compare yourself with others around you - but you just can't let yourself - God loves you just the way you are - you have nothing to prove to Him!!! (or others!) And then if you are like me you feel guilty for feeling sorry for yourself, and it is a downward spiral. You are SOOOO not alone! I do take a mild antidepressant, and it has helped a lot, but sometimes I wish I could have a good cry and when I do, that really helps sometime. And don't forget to tell your Father (God) who loves you all about your frustrations and feelings. Look at David in the Psalms! And look how much God loved him!

Sorry - didn't mean to turn this into a sermon (and I agree with you - Beth Moore is wonderful!!!)but I just want you to feel loved and cared for.

I will pray that you get your batteries rejuvenated soon, and that you will feel full of life again soon!

Hugs from Michigan - Diane (Vruwink) Carlson

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry things are crummy right now. I really think that life has those valleys and there is nothing to do but go through them. Nothing is forever, all this will change in time, hopefully for the better. All you can do is what you can do. You can't make your mom's health better, only help her to be comfortable. You can't do much for your son but to encourage him to seek changes in the right direction. One thing you can do is take good care of yourself, don't let yourself get run down or into bad eating/sleeping habits.

Take care!!

Laurie S

Loret said...

Your thoughts struck a chord in me and it was so good to read about your days. To reply is not something I usually do, but your pictures and story about the fairy house and the Queen Anne lace was so good! Even though you feel numb, your talent for making a beautiful page for all of us to enjoy tells of a large heart and a loving, caring person. It sure touched me. And I wish you well. Hugs from Wyoming

Lisa said...

You really need an outlet. An outlet that you enjoy and find relieving. I was hoping the vo-tech would offer some cool cooking classes this fall. Moberly has a bigger selection of that sort of thing. I think we all need a break from the daily grind, and you will have two daily grinds soon with school starting and all. I'll keep thinking on this, you need an outlet. You are absolutely too wonderful to poop out like this. I think you also need and overnight trip just to relish everything you enjoy, just you and you and you!!!!